EMOTIONAL ASPECTS OF INFERTILITY

FEELING LOSS

Most couples assume that if they live a decent life and do their best and are kind and loving to each other – they will be blessed with a child. To find out that you have infertility issues can blow all of that out of the water. You have to give yourself time to grieve the loss of not being able to have a child in the ‘usual’ manner.

People around you who haven’t hit that wall may not understand and will start making well meaning comments. Try to smile, ignore them and go through your feelings of loss at your own pace – and support each other as a couple.

These feelings of loss and anguish may present themselves in a physical way. You may find yourself experiencing –

• A lack of energy (this may be especially noticeable if your cycle has been unsuccessful, if you have a medical appointment due or if you see a friend who is pregnant)
• headaches
• irritability (snapping at people or making mountains out of molehills)
• insomnia
• feeling extremely sad
• an inability to concentrate

FEELING NUMBNESS, DENIAL AND SHOCK

When you first found out that you were infertile, you may have felt numb and as if you couldn’t take it in. Once you get some feelings back, you may not believe the diagnosis or be sure that they’ve got something wrong. Once your mind has explored all of those avenues and rejected them, the real shock of the diagnosis may set in.

Feeling Anger

Most infertile couples report that once the shock has worn off, they start to feel angry. These feelings can arise from feeling helpless and hopeless. This may be the first time in your life that you haven’t been able to control something – and when it’ something that you want so badly, the frustration is immense. You might find the anger coloring everything that you do and vent it towards friends and family.

Feeling Ashamed and Guilty

Shame is linked with plummeting self confidence and esteem and a feeling of being inadequate. Couples often report feeling as if they are failures. They feel that they are failing each other, but also their parents, siblings and friends.

Guilt goes along with shame because you feel guilty that you have brought this upon your relationship and all of your other relationships. Even if people tell you, quite rightly, that you have nothing to feel guilty or ashamed about, you won’t take it in. These emotions have to be worked though like the others.

Feeling a bit better

To reach this stage you need to accept the situation and accept that you have done nothing wrong, you’re not to blame, you have nothing to feel guilty or ashamed about and it’s not your fault – not necessarily in that order!

Working through these feelings can take a long time and if you need help, go and see a counsellor who can help you through the maze of painful feelings and lead you out into the light again.